I feel ugly

If I could change something in myself, I would change the way I look. I would change my weight. I feel like a very fat person. I don't like myself. I never say it because it's not something I'm proud of. But I have reached the point in which I need to make my decision of losing weight public so I can actually stick to it. I have told my roommates. And now I post it here. This is so embarrassing. But let's face it if I don't like myself, nobody ever will.

Up, Up, Down and Roller Coaster

My birthday week was definitely a total blast. Who would have thought that this year would totally make up for the previous one? I hated my birthday last year because everyone forgot it.

UP. I woke up and the first thing I had was a text from my friend Michael that said "Wake up! It's your birthday." He's creative, I'll give him that. I also saw him randomly on campus. That was unexpected.

My friends Cristina, Gaytri and Stefani, and my sister gave me the whole Twilight series. Ok, almost, I just need to get the third book Eclipse to have my collection complete. I was excited. As you can probably tell.

My roommates gave me a new Wii controller and baked me a cake. I can't believe how nice they are. They just met me yet they care about me. I was really happy with my present. I will say once again, I love my little Danielle, Sarah and Aubrey.

That was Monday. The 22nd. My birthday was a magical day, no doubt.

Tuesday went alright. Nothing really big or exciting at all. Some finding outs to do, and more confusing stuff in my head, trying to switch from one mode to the other wasn't really working for me. That needed to be taken care of.

Wednesday was uneventful. Except for maybe, the fact that Michael, my little black Mac, was finally fixed. The wireless works now. Jared - Danielle's brother - fixed it. So now it works.

Thursday was very strange. I went from deciding I was in H mode, to understanding I was never going to figure out what mode I wanted to permanently be in. The first half of the day I was in H mode. And I thought that was it. But then I went over to changing my mode to the other the last half of the day. Mainly, the night. I watched The Office at apartment #107 (Michael, Tyler, Andrew and Seth's). I had fun. I am not really into The Office but maybe I'll get into it.

Mode decision: None decided.

UP. Friday was awesome! I had my birthday party. It was for me and Aubrey, because Aubrey's birthday was on Friday. I had tons of friends there and I had a lot of fun. My friends smashed eggs on my head. Remember your culture, Andrew (blue shirt, see picture) said. I could only smile. Because getting me to hold still took a miracle. Uno bueno. Would I change it if I could? No.
Mode decision: Still undecided. I had two things, two presents, two ways out and in. And I couldn't pick. Meh, not really necessary, right? I was just trying to keep the party at a low key with no hints of disaster or anything. No storm. Just a little rain. I can take some rain. No big deal.

I had a really nice time. I got everything I wanted. And everything I didn't want too. And I had my head somewhere else. And I needed time. And I needed to rest. And I did. And it didn't help. It got me dreaming. Weird dreams. Confusing dreams. Decision-making dreams. Not fun.

Saturday was a decisive day. Saturday, I really thought about stuff. Saturday, I needed to stop the switching modes. Saturday was the day Elliot finally put the cards on the table. And she chose J.D. No more switching for me. I am settled.

DOWN. My cellphone is broken. It freezes at start up. I need to change it. It's jacked up. I won't have a phone for 2 long weeks, plus the annoying fact that I have lost all my contacts, and the sad fact that I have lost all of my text messages, that is what hurts me the most. Great.

ROLLER COASTER. Sunday, which means today, was a little rough for me. I am finally sure of what I want but I think I have been brought down again. Because I cannot do anything about it. I get to think and then I think it's not like that. And then I get a gesture, and it's all messed up again. And then I get a hand, and then I don't know more. And I don't know where I should go. Or what I should do. And I think sometimes there might be a chance but maybe not. And a phrase is stuck in my head I can read you like a phone book. It's common knowledge. No, it's not! It was supposed to be my life. But after all I think I might have found a reliable and very important source though. It'll be a risk to take that path, but I will. And if things go wrong... well, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Mode decision: key, permanently key.


P.S. Yes, those are eggs on my head. Darn you, Andrew.

Back to the beginning

I am tired of pretending to be someone who I'm not. I thought I could handle being that girly person everybody wanted me to be. But I can't. So I am going back to who I was. Soon enough, I'll be that girl again. And that will be my birthday present, from me... to me. Feel free to disagree, and I'm sorry I couldn't be your project, I'm sorry if you wanted me to be a girly person. I just don't like how that worked out for me. This is me. And this is who I want to be. I liked it, my hair, my make up, my clothes, my nails, that was me. And she will come back. Rock on!

I am pathetic

Currently listening: Crush by David Archuleta

I am retarded. How could I think I was special? I mean what is special about me? Sure, I am interesting when you first meet me because I am brown and short and speak English with an accent. Then, people get to know me and it's like: Yeah, not really what I was expecting. I mean, what the F people? I'm just gonna stop trying.

I decide to give one a chance, I decide to stop focusing on one and the other one totally crashes me, I mean, who the f says "I don't know". I think that's jacked up. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to ask that? I never put myself out there and when I do, I get rejected. I mean, I guess I cannot be more pathetic. Something told me not to say it. Not to mention it. But I thought things were going well for me. I thought wrong.

I have to get over myself. I am not special. If it can't be seen, then it is not there. Whatever. Screw everything! Screw this junk!

103

I feel dumb. I thought what happened would be a good thing, but as soon as I stepped in, I just couldn't get myself to say anything. I stood there like a tree. A brown and white tree dressed in polka dots. I could only manage to say my name and my major. I felt so stupid. I don't think I will be able to manage it, not for a year. I wish I were working.

These are my roommates, from left to right, Aubrey Dillistone, Sarah Asp and Danielle Tuttle. They've known each other for like a year. I just met them here at Park Plaza. I can define them with only one word: Crazy.
Good crazy though, but crazy. They make me laugh all the time. They are always doing something funny. Aubrey is my roommate. She is from West Virginia, not Virginia, WEST Virginia. She's 4'11''. She's fun and she's always smiling.
Sarah is from Nevada. She's the tallest one and she rooms with Danielle. Sarah is a really cute person. She's just sweet.
Danielle is from Washington and the craziest of them all, I think. But she gets me, sometimes she knows what I'm thinking just by looking at me. And everytime she sees me, she's like: Hi Nadia! And she keeps track of when I sleep at the apt and when I don't. haha. I wish I slept more at my apartment. I might do it... just for you, Danielle!

You'd think I feel left out, since they are all friends and they know each other pretty well, I am the new one. The one that just appeared. But oddly, I don't feel left out. They are pretty nice to me, I hope they like me. I try to get them to like me. Sometimes it is hard for people to like me, especially girls. I don't really get along with girls, and I don't know why. I guess my personality is too hard to understand or difficult to accept. But my roommates have adopted me. And I love them. I really do. Park Plaza 103 rocks! Except for Danielle... I'm just kidding, I love that crazy girl!

Danielle: Ok, it's Sunday. Let's listen to church music. (Puts "Jesus, take the wheel")
Sarah: That's not church music.
Danielle: But it has the word "Jesus" in it!

So long Convent School

I have been a nun since January 26th, 2007. That's not healthy at all. Well, that ended up today. I guess I kind of did something I was not trained to do. And it was unexpected. But it was good. I liked it. And I would do it again. I don't know if it'll happen again. I hope it does. What am I saying? I'm crazy.

"May I have your attention? It is now 11.45 and all library services are closed for the day. The doors will be locked in 15 minutes. Unauthorized persons that choose to remain in the building after hours are trespassing and will be subjected to university sanctions and criminal prosecution."

Criminal prosecution? Haha. It cracks me up. Yes, I stay until the library closes. Again, I have no life.

Top Ten Things

These are some things that have started to bother me.

1. Facebook: I used to like it a lot. But when it had just basic stuff. All the applications annoy me. I don't even write on people's walls anymore unless it's urgent. And I hate that people write on your wall just to get you to reply so they can have more wall posts. Ridiculous. I just think it's getting too myspace-ish. And I don't think I ever got a myspace account. And if I did, I don't even remember how to get in and I really don't care. For instance, I was getting out of my HEPE class today and my friend bumped into one of her friends. They talked for a bit and then as they left, my friend said: "Good to see you. Facebook me!" Facebook me? Whatever happened to "Call me"? I still have a Facebook account but I haven't updated it in ages, it just kind of exists. And it helps people remember my birthday.


2. iPods: Don't get me wrong. I have an iPod video. And I love it. But it seems like everybody has one now. It's not as special when everybody has one. It just loses its prestige. I went to the restroom at the library and every girl that came out of there had earphones. iPod earphones. And I can definitely tell the difference between iPod earphones and regular ones. Do you really need to be listening to "Shake it" when you go to the bathroom? See picture. That's my friend's new iPod Nano. I'm starting to hate the little pink thing.

3. Sunglasses: I know it's sunny, people, but it's not like we have beaches here. I can understand you need sunglasses for driving, heck, I use them for driving, but we're not all Abercrombie models. It's even worse when you wear them even inside of a building.

4. Femi-guys: Do I even need to explain that? You're either hot or cold, enough said.

5. Computer games: Seriously, people come into the library to play crap like Starcraft? What is that all about? Last time I checked, you sort of study in the library.

6. BYU Football season: I have never been to any football game. Not that it really gets my attention, I think football is just retarded. They just throw a ball and jump on each other. Soccer is way better. And even though I would like to go to the BYU vs. U of U football game, that doesn't mean that every single saturday I am going to sit with a bunch of people in front of a TV and sporadically yell because someone scored. And then go to my Facebook account and update my status with something like: Go Cougs! The game was intense. The Hoskies were so close. I am amazed! Blah, blah, blah. And that's another con for Facebook, I mean, you don't have to update everything you do. Such and such is "hungry. eating a cheeseburger. going to sleep. going to take a shower. buying stuff." I don't need to know your whole life.

7. Sun: No need to hide that. I hate the sun. Round, yellow bright thing that makes you sweat and gives you headaches. I need some snow... as in right now.

8. Ugly Shoes: Some people really need to know what they're wearing.

To balance things, I will let you know a couple things that make me happy. Things that I am starting to like a lot.


9. A person: There's a person that makes me happy. I don't know why. It just so happens that seeing this person brightens my day, and I blame this person for the stupid smile on my face right now. I like to talk about this person... so much that my friend just really wants to kill me because I never stop. See picture.

10. A dream: I am a planner. I dream, I plan and then I try to make things happen. When I don't plan things, they don't go as well. Although, today, things went pretty well for not planning and just going for it. I miss it, what can I say? It felt like I was back in May. I couldn't help smiling. I'm still smiling. And I will probably have a very sweet dream tonight.

Those 2 things have totally made my life better. I hate 8 things but those 2 things just make me forget about them and smile and be happy. Life is good. And I have a whole year to keep taking advantage of my situation. I have to start the planning.

I got a calling. It's the coolest calling I've ever had. I don't know if I can say what it is yet, but it is for sure something that I will enjoy doing. I'll probably post what it is after this coming Sunday. You're more than welcome to guess what it is, unless you know it already, then it wouldn't be fair.

This is so cute. Makes me think of... you can fill that out.

'Till the past is out of sight

Currently listening: We Don't Have To Look Back Now by Puddle of Mudd

Today is my best friend's birthday. Too bad he is in Peru.

His name: Paul Cabranes.
His birthday: September 06, 1991
His age: 17 today.
His height: 5'9''
His race: Half Ecuadorian, half Argentinian.
Where he was born: Ecuador
How I met him: He moved to my ward when I was 14 and he was 11.
When we became friends: Spring/Summer 2007 when I became his seminary teacher.
Nickname he gave me: Nadiesita
How I call him: Paulito
Song that reminds me of him: Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 because he dedicated it to me.
Top 3 things that I like about him: His maturity, his faith, and he can make me smile when I'm mad.
When I expect to see him again: Never.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAULITO! You know you'll always be my best friend. You are like the only person that really cared about me and showed it to me. You could always put a smile on my face. I miss you. And I miss looking up at you whenever I needed to talk to you just because you're so tall. What is it with me and making friends with tall people? I guess I just envy them, in a good way.

On the other hand, ever since I started being a different person, ever since my personal miracle happened, I have been feeling so out of place. I was so happy that the semester started because my friends would be back. But I feel I just don't fit in with them anymore. Some of my friends went partying and dancing last night. I didn't go. I felt the place that they were going to didn't meet my standards. I'd have regretted it. Maybe I am overreacting but my view of things is a little different now, mainly because I am trying so hard to be better. I never really cared much about the Honor Code or stuff like that up until now, and some people think it's too much.

I guess it is true that whenever you want to do the right thing, you get more opposition. But something happened to me. Something that changed my life. And nobody experienced it apart from me. Nobody knows how much it really meant but me. And I will never convince anyone about how much it meant to me. But I don't need to. As long as I know it. As long as I live up to the standards of a child of God, I'll be fine.

Maybe I need to stand back a little. I don't know. All I know is that I will keep making changes to my life until my past is out of sight.

Bees

Some people exist just to piss other people off. Those people I call bees.

Bee #1: Nadia, are you not aware of proper procedure?
Answer: … [I was caught off guard]

Bee #2: The question is would you like to learn about the game?...it actually is an advanced game for relationships. En el futuro puede ser un gran asset!
Answer: I don’t want to learn that crap. If I am supposed to be with someone, it will happen. If not, it won’t. And I don’t want to make a big deal out of it.

Bee #3: Nadia, you seemed detached from the caller and his issue. Make sure you are friendly in working with your callers, that they can feel your empathy in working on their problems. Otherwise, you got down to the issue, and worked it quickly as you could.
Answer: That’s why you are my second to least favorite person. And you're not supposed to let people know they are being monitored. That makes people nervous. It made me nervous.

Bee #4 - temporary bee - : I got mad at my friend from work today. I had my own reasons. And it was pretty much bee #2's fault. The thing is I made the mistake of telling my sister about it. She called him without my consent and pretended she was me. And then she gave me the phone. There's a reason I don't call people. I suck at talking on the phone, I text message because I can express myself a lot better. I get very nervous when talking on the phone to people I know. The call was a total fiasco and he probably thinks I'm an idiot, or a crazy stupid immature kid. And I don't think I can look at him in the eye ever again. And I have to work with him, just my luck.

Nice way of ruining someone’s mood, you all. You’d think I deserve a compliment once in a while. This day is totally messed up. I don't think anything anyone could say or do could make me happy today.

First Day of Class

Currently listening: Learning How to Smile by Everclear

Classes started yesterday for everybody but me. So today was my first day of class. The first class I had was Accounting 200 at 8 a.m. Kiel Yager is in my class, and I think I saw Russell Hansen too - they're people from work - My professor is nice, and I will like the class... maybe. My goal for this semester is to get just straight As. I'm sure it can't be that hard if I really try.

My Accounting professor - Norm Nemrow - is funny. He said a couple things that made me laugh. He made it easy not to fall asleep in an eight o'clock class. I didn't sleep in any of my classes today which is a record for me and I'm proud.

Who would want to go into medicine? That's like construction. You're like sawing people.

I couldn't have said it better. I hate doctors. They know nothing. I wanted to be a doctor once. I wanted to be a kidney doctor. Sometimes I wonder why I decided against it. And I went to majoring in Information Systems.

If you really think about it, BYU is not as expensive as other universities because of the tithings of the members of the church. We have a huge responsibility because of that. We were talking about it in my Accounting class - seems like we talked about everything but Accounting - when my professor gave us an example.

How can it be justified that a widow - pause - in Peru pays her tithing to fund the higher education of someone who could probably pay his own tuition so he can become somebody one day and get even more money? Where's the justice in that? I'll tell you. It's the students leaving here to change the world with what they learned. And then some don't embrace the Honor Code, which you all signed. And what is that worth for? If I were a widow - pause again - from Peru, knowing that my children will never come here, I wouldn't feel any regret if I saw the students here doing the will of the Lord and living up to the standards. I would even send more money, I'd be happy to contribute to what this institution is doing.

So, he's right. He kind of hit a nerve, not in me though, well, maybe a little, but not with the dressing stuff at least, or cheating. Powerful message, I thought, but why and how the devil did he come up with a widow from Peru? I mean, out of all the countries in the world, he comes up with Peru? Do we have more widows than any other country? Just like the US has more obese people? - I'm sorry, but it's true. We talked about it today in my HEPE 129 class. You guys are OUT of control! - I thought, maybe he served in Peru and he loves it so much, he brings it up to class... but, no, he served in Seoul, Korea. I guess this will be one of the mysteries I will never be able to decipher.


First day of class and I am already in the library. This place will be my best friend this semester. I never used to hang out here. Not until I started hanging out with Stefani. She loves this place. And I guess I have gotten used to it too. I finally convinced her to create a blog for herself. I need to read stuff and I don't follow many blogs, more like none. So it'll be fun to have hers now. I need to convert more people.

I saw a car crash today. The poor woman was crying, an American girl crashed her. I mean, how reckless can Utah drivers be? Driving is not that hard people! I'm not even sure if she was from Utah. She looked like some kind of a California girl. Your typical American - and I'm not being racist, just a little bit sexist - blond, white, tall, skinny, and she had big sunglasses. I felt bad for the woman. So bad I even took a picture of her car. I like taking pictures. Pictures say more than a thousand words. Though since I never stop writing, I probably don't even need pictures. I'm sorry I have no social life I have enough time to update this thing. I need to get a boyfriend, or maybe I will even get the whole package and get a husband that wants to marry down.