Wounds

I hadn't had an attack for a long time. I had been able to control them well, until now. It was bad, my sickness, plus anxiety and panic. It was a very ugly scene. I had to leave my apartment because I didn't want my roommates to see. I was embarrassed of myself. I have been under a lot of pressure lately and nothing is going well. Plus the R happened. The feelings overwhelmed me. Everything did. And as embarrassed as I am to admit it, I have been having bad thoughts. And I'm afraid I might make them happen. I wish I were in Peru right now. I feel more alone than ever.

"Y es que no encuentro una salida
Ni la forma de curar estas heridas
Y yo… lloro por ti."

What makes you think you care about me more than I care about you?

It is funny how things go the wrong way sometimes and I just wonder, what could have possibly changed so drastically in between May and now. What was different? I will never know. But my reaction now is just my defense mechanism. Back in the day, saying no was the right choice. But you didn't understand it. We were fine. We were great. Until I said yes and now you give me this crap. You're ridiculous.

Now, my comment on Twilight, it is a good flick. It is not a great book, it definitely doesn't categorize as a bestseller for me, at least not yet. Maybe the writing and the story will get better later, after all, I am just in chapter 11.

Just to note a couple of things, the way Bella discovers Edward is a vampire is cheap. The way she tells him she knows his secret is cheap too. Everybody is in love with Bella and that is so unreal. But the book keeps me entertained, today I started squealing and I then I heard,

- Sarah (to Aubrey): What's with Nadia?

- Aubrey: She's reading Twilight.

- Sarah: That makes sense.

Plain and clear. So they know every time I squeal it's because I'm on an Edward-Bella mode. Sarah says I sound like a cat. Pretty sure I don't. Or I might.

So, Twilight, not an awesome book, not at all as amazing as Harry Potter. Not even close, considering I haven't even finished it. But I do love something about the book, Edward Cullen. He amazes me. He is the reason why I read the book. His character keeps me interested and draws me in every time I read about him. He is mysterious, harsh, yet amazingly captivating. If it were possible to fall in love with an unreal person, then that person would be Edward Cullen. It almost makes me wish he were real. Ok, as lame as that sounds I wish he were real. But he's not. Bummer.

Not much until November 21st!

I give up

They say you need to try until the very end. Try walking on the water before you say: Savior, help me. Well, I've tried. And I'm ready to say: Help me. Someone, please, help me. I am drowning and there's no hand reaching out for me. Where did everyone go? Why did they leave me? I wish I could vent. I will probably just go cry now.

I'm blue

My personality color is blue. Take the quiz and figure out what you are. If it says Undetermined, go back to part I and give up to some of the answers to get your true personality color.

Go to my website, and then click on All About Me 2! and take the quiz. Let's see what it says about you! So just post it! =)

Hey, you?

Currently listening: Shut up and smile by Bowling for Soup

How weird it is to see someone you met while he was on his mission out in the real world? Being a real person. And when you have to say Hi, it's the weirdest thing. What are you supposed to say? Hi, Elder? Hi, brother? Hey, you?

Anyway that happened to me today. Let me introduce you to my dad's favorite missionary, Elder Smith. My dad is the bishop in my ward, so he gets to know the missionaries pretty well. When I went to Peru for Spring/Summer '07, I met Elder Smith.


I didn't get to talk to him a lot in Peru. But why would I? He was a missionary. They are a totally different group of people for me. You can't befriend missionaries. You simply CANNOT. You should still be polite and nice, but you can't get too close to them. That's not right, assuming of course you're a girl.

Anyway, I was in the middle of an Accounting quiz today and I got a call. Some random number from Arizona that I had never seen. Arizona? I don't think I know anyone from AZ. I didn't answer because I was in the middle of my quiz. But I got new voicemail, and when I checked it... it was that same Elder Smith I met when I went to Peru about a year ago or so. I think he's been back for some months now. He's just 21.

I had a letter that some member in Peru gave my mom so I could give it to him, and he wanted to know when he could pick it up. I called him back and he didn't answer so I had to leave a message. That was really funny. And he called back, and it was so weird to hear him say Hey, Nadia. He had always called me Hermana. Anyway, he said he was gonna come in 10 mins. So I was waiting and then I heard a knock on our door. Jared went to open it. I heard someone say Is Nadia here? Wow, Nadia, again.

He came in. And I saw him. And I had that tiny decisive moment in which I didn't know what to say. I opted for the simple plain and totally correct Hey. No name, no title, no nothing, just Hey. It was safe. The curious thing is that it was not awkward at all after that, it was like we were always friends but not. If that makes sense whatsoever. I thought he was really shy when I met him in Peru, but he is actually really cool and outgoing. We could actually talk. I could actually be myself. And I don't really talk when I first meet someone. It was cool. Maybe we can be friends.

He's taking accounting too! So maybe we can be study buddies. I think I told him that. I need a study buddy for this next test that's coming up. So it'd be cool to actually study with someone. We'll see. Also, he'd forgotten we had a quiz due today and I reminded him on time (7.30ish pm) for him to go and listen to the lesson and take the quiz, so I did my good deed of the day.

5 months left

Just 5 more months. Time goes by flying. I have been really pondering about it. And I think I have made my choice. I haven't really talked about it to anyone. I don't think a lot of people know. I guess it's probably time I give everybody an idea. I am 20 years old. I just barely turned 20. I still can't believe it. And well, I will be turning 21 next September. In my church, women go on a mission if they want when they turn 21. You can send your mission papers 6 months prior turning 21. And that date for me would be March 22nd. I am sending my mission papers in 5 months. That isn't as far away as it seems to be.

I know, Nadia Reategui wants to go on a mission? You probably thought all I wanted was to get married and have kids. Well, yes, that is my goal in life, but some time ago I promised the Lord I would dedicate my life to him. And my Patriarchal Blessing says I should serve a mission for the Church. My mom served a mission. I always thought I would serve a mission as well. Besides, marriage for me is not something that will happen in the near future. Not because I don't want to get married, but because nobody is interested in marrying me. Or even dating me for what's worth. Now, that is not the reason I want to go on a mission. I am not escaping. I know that going out on a mission for the wrong reasons would still give me blessings but I don't want to leave for the wrong reasons. I want to go. I've always wanted to.

I am willing to postpone my education for the Lord. He has given me all I have ever wanted. He made it possible for me to come to BYU and study for 2 1/2 years. I may have not made the best out of them, but I certainly have done a couple of things right. Like finally figuring out what I want to do, like getting a job I enjoy doing. Or making friends I can trust. Showing others my capability. Like letting people in. Getting out of my comfort zone. Like trying before I give up. Like learning the value of money because of the bad choices I have made. I feel like I'm ready. I am ready.

I still have 5 months to really think about it and decide if I should send my papers or not. But right now, I really want to go. I feel nothing could change my decision. Not right now at least. I am sure and I'm just sharing it. I still have to pray to get my confirmation, because my PB says that my bishop, my family, the Lord and I have to agree that going on a mission is the best decision. I don't think they'd tell me not to go. I have talked to my dad about it. He says that I have to really think about it and pray and receive revelation; but he says he would never tell me not to go. My sister, on the other hand, is not really happy with my decision. She doesn't think it is a good idea to leave school. I will convince her. I want to go. And in 5 months, we will see what I finally decided to do. Bear with me.

Love-Hate

I don't usually do this junk okay? But my friend's been pushing and this time is necessary. She's in probation this semester and if she doesn't boost up her GPA, she'll get kicked out of BYU and will have to go back to Peru. So she's in a communications class and she needs subscribers to her website. Her grade depends on how many subscribers she can get. If you could please go to the following link,

http://indabag.7h.com/account/add.php

Once you're there, you just need to put your email address and you will get a confirmation email. If you don't get it, please check your junk mail folder. Click the link on the confirmation email and you're done! You don't have to visit the website again and you won't receive any spam. It will be very much appreciated.

Thanks!

Work Related Stuff.

I worked on 60 tickets out of Z today.
Sometimes I wonder what it is that they really want me to do to prove my capability.
I don't like training girls.
I really can't get along with girls.
I am really mean to people I don't like.
Sometimes even to people I like.
I make fun of everything.
But if you don't see the fun side of things, then you'd be bored.
I am always laughing at stuff.
It's good to laugh.
Even at yourself.

A girl I trained today said to me when I left Nice to meet you. Seriously? As in, for real? How can people like me when they first meet me? You have to get to know me to either hate me or love me. No middle points. I always inspire extreme emotions. You get to pick. But you really want to be on my good side. Because I don't like middle points either. I will either really dislike you or I will really like you. And if you're my friend, you know how that is. In one word... awesome! If I don't like you now, don't worry, I can switch that to like. And vice versa. You can make me switch it. It's been known to happen. And people I don't like at the beginning sometimes become my favorite people. Sometimes.

Waiting for attention

I just got a 5/5 on my Accounting Quiz. Exciting. I have been listening to a lot of music lately. And here are my top 10 songs right now. Listen to them. They're awesome.

In the meanwhile, I'm working on my website for my Computer Science class. Feel free to check it out. We're doing Java now and that's killing my nerves.

Top 10 Songs

1. Here It Goes by Jimmy Eat World
2. Learning How To Smile by Everclear
3. Skyway Avenue by We The Kings
4. The Suffering by Coheed and Cambria
5. Check Yes Juliet by We The Kings
6. We Don't Have To Look Back Now by Puddle Of Mudd
7. Rescue Me by Hawthorne Heights
8. All Over You by The Spill Canvas
9. Do You Like It by Our Lady Peace
10. Shake It by Metro Station
    

Mixed Signals

Someone should have made the rules of life easier. It would save us so much time and so many sad moments.

I went to the BYU vs. UNM football game yesterday. The amazing thing is that I actually enjoyed it. Go figure. I thought football was retarded, but I had my school pride come out while I watched those guys play. It took me a while to figure out what was going on, but I think I got an idea of the purpose of the game. I did like it. Even though I thought we could have done a lot better. And New Mexico sucked so bad! BYU started on the wrong foot too, but hey, we won.


We are having roommate drama in our apartment. And I feel bad. I don't like it when there is tension where you live. And I don't want to lose the friend I thought I made. I am scared. I hope this situation fixes itself. I really don't want this to go bad. I don't think I could take anymore drama in my life.

We were at our apartment and Aubrey and Sarah said they had boy craving and they asked me to go with them to apartment 107. It was kind of weird a first. I am not used to go randomly to guys' apartments without an official invitation to go over there. Or at least letting them know we're coming over. So, I was a little shy at first. When we were there, Tyler kind of left and Andrew did too, Seth wasn't there and it was just we three and Michael. When Seth came back, he brought cookies his mom had made and Mike and Tyler went crazy about them and started to fight to get them. Tyler got the cookies at the end. (See picture) Those kids are crazy.

My roommates and I talked about getting dressed up for Halloween - which I have never done - and I got a little excited. They said I should be Pocahontas, I have the brown skin thing down already, plus my hair is black, even if it's not natural, - my natural hair color is dark brown - so that kind of fits, I suppose. This girl Lexi, said that I would need a John Smith if I wanted to be Pocahontas, so an American, blond guy with blue eyes? Not hard to get.

We had roommate bonding night after Ward Prayer, we three except for Danielle. I hope she's not too mad at me. I miss her happy crazy self. I hope things get better soon. Maybe I shouldn't have shared my opinion. Sometimes it's better to not say anything at all.

We watched Cinderella, starring some girl named Brandy who is probably the ugliest Cinderella I have ever seen - and it's not that I want to be mean, but she has really weird factions - And the prince looked Asian, the King and Queen were white and black, respectively, and they had an Asian kid? Yeah, right. It was good to spend time with my roommates though.

Scary, confusing, and wonderful. That is how things are right now. In general. And I have to do something about them, because if I don't, I'll regret it my whole life. I wish life were easier, but I feel like if I don't risk myself to get hurt, I will never know how things would have been. No risk, no satisfaction. I have been hurt before, I can take it. If it happened again, it'd be bad but I know I'd get over it. What I can't take is not knowing. I have waited long enough. I am ready to just try. So, get ready because after this is over, I might need a shoulder to cry on.

P.S. Yes, I eat soap bubbles. No joke at all.

The only thing that we share is the same sky

It's interesting how you can look at somebody and not see them at all. Behind that smile and that social self there is a real person. With insecurities and problems of their own.

It is even more interesting how you can look at yourself and not see yourself at all. Because you are what you think others will like you to be. And when you realize it, it is too late to go back.

Some people will not accept you for who you are, and that scares you to death. Being alone. Staying alone forever.

Yet, free falling sounds tempting. Letting yourself fall and never know what will happen. That is where I am.

Pull yourself together, they say. Life is full of challenges. But they don't know, for me, trying to do that is a long process. I can't be repaired with super glue.

I am not like you. I don't have anything here. Or anyone I can go to when I'm troubled. I left my life when I went chasing for a dream that may never come true.

I can't recall a moment in which I have actually been happy since I came here. Truly happy. I just can't. Or won't.

When you were semi-engaged, they say. Well, look how that ended up. I wonder if I'll ever be good enough for anybody. And I don't mean it romantically. I mean overall. Enough as a daughter, a friend, a sister.

Free-falling sounds really tempting right now.

Let the tears go away, they say. You know? Right now, they're everything I've got.