Take the hit

Currently listening: A Bad Dream by Keane

I'm feeling really down today. When I got off work, I started listening to A Bad Dream by Keane, I couldn't help crying. I haven't cried in a while, but while I thought about all I have inside of me, and all I have to keep inside of me, because no one's on my side and I just can't be fighting for something that will never be mine, I just couldn't fight it anymore.

I am not the fighting kind. Like the song says, Wouldn't mind it if you were by my side But you're long gone, yeah you're long gone now. I guess I will always curse myself for being who I am and for being so incapable to find my own happiness.

I pretend I am a happy person, and to the world, I probably am. But nobody knows what happens inside. Nobody knows how lost and alone I feel, and how I wish sometimes, things were different, how I wish all the happiness around me were more than just someone else's life. I don't remember when the last time was that I was really happy.

I tried to find it by falling into the arms of that self-destructive thing we call love. And sure, it is awesome when relationships work out and you both love each other and all that junk. But if you have loved and you never even got a "thank you" then it's not worth it.

I am this silly sensitive person that thinks love can save the world. But love is not supposed to hurt this much. I guess I will never know how it really feels like. I'm feeling so sad lately. But I guess in the words of J.D. from Scrubs - whose life is pretty much like mine - “’Cause even if it breaks your heart to be just friends, if you really care about someone, you’ll take the hit.- and I guess that's what I have to do. Be a friend. Because I am so good at that.

People will note the changes, from this giddy and happy girl, to this sad and out of the world person. And even if it is impossible for people to go from happy to sad in one day, that is my personal roller coaster and that's how I do. Because I am so used to being just the friend.

And it's just that I can't be alone any longer, if someone ever notices that in my eyes and cares about it, then please, come save me. I was fighting, but I just feel too tired to be fighting. Every day hurts more and more lately, I don't even know how long it's going to be before I crash. And I will. Because nobody can take so much pain on their own and still smile at the world like if nothing ever happened.

“I don’t think people are meant to be by themselves. That’s why, if you actually find someone you care about it’s important to let go of the little things. Even if you can’t let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone. No matter how many people are around.” – J.D.