Just my confidence and me

Currently listening: Little Victories by Matt Nathanson

There's only one thing I regret, never telling my feelings. Sometimes it's not worth it, but most of the time it is. You never know if the other person is afraid too. Sometimes you just have to make the first move and drag someone to the dance floor, and hope he dances.

As for me, I am happy. I know I have my moments. I can be such a downer. But I am a happy person very deep inside of me, I think. That's why I have friends now.

I've heard so much about this Dark Knight movie and I definitely want to watch it. Yeah, go with the flow. I have to watch Batman Begins first, so I'll do that tonight.

I am buying my car tomorrow. So I am excited. Hopefully I find the car of my dreams at a very affordable price.

I got to work today and surprisingly everybody started saying Hi Nadia! What's up? Nadia, you're here! Employee of the Month! I honestly had never felt better in my life. I found out that people actually like me. For me. And nothing can replace that feeling. Well... almost nothing, except for Remy's acknowledgment, which actually happened too.

On the other hand, Abu acted really weird today, didn't even talk to me. I wonder what's going on in his mind. O well, it's not really my place to judge, so I will just mind my own business. Nothing can ruin this day. Not because it was the best day of my life or anything, but because I am finally learning to get by on my little victories, rather than waiting for miracles. It makes everything so much easier.

Little things really make a difference if you know how to look at them, and if the world decides to catch up with me, then it is a little victory.

Where no one knows my name

Currently listening: Boston by Augustana

I think people are starting to take pity on me, and I don't think I like it. My friend at work said he's gonna come play the Wii with me one of these days. And as much as I try to think it's not because I said I was lonely lately, I think that might have a role to play.

I never really noticed how hard it is to go in life with absolutely no one on your side. I can't wait until I get to move and have roommates again. Also, I have to buy a car this weekend, I can't put it off any longer. Maybe I will have to settle for a Kia again.

I wanted to have the bus run me over yesterday, and my mood was as low as it could be. For some reason, who knows if my mom felt that but she wrote me an email and it helped me. My loan was denied. The only person I have feelings for right now is not giving me any reason to keep trying, to keep fighting. My maternal side is annoying me again. Everything is going so wrong I can't do anything anymore.

I hope things change, or I am probably gonna stop being me. I got to talk to a good friend today, that made me happy. His dad works for the church and he called the Help Desk and it was so random but he got me out of all the spanish speakers. And he was there too, so we got to talk. It is good to know that at least in Peru, I have people that remember me as someone remotely important. Someone who made a difference. And that kept me alive, at least for one more day.

Take the hit

Currently listening: A Bad Dream by Keane

I'm feeling really down today. When I got off work, I started listening to A Bad Dream by Keane, I couldn't help crying. I haven't cried in a while, but while I thought about all I have inside of me, and all I have to keep inside of me, because no one's on my side and I just can't be fighting for something that will never be mine, I just couldn't fight it anymore.

I am not the fighting kind. Like the song says, Wouldn't mind it if you were by my side But you're long gone, yeah you're long gone now. I guess I will always curse myself for being who I am and for being so incapable to find my own happiness.

I pretend I am a happy person, and to the world, I probably am. But nobody knows what happens inside. Nobody knows how lost and alone I feel, and how I wish sometimes, things were different, how I wish all the happiness around me were more than just someone else's life. I don't remember when the last time was that I was really happy.

I tried to find it by falling into the arms of that self-destructive thing we call love. And sure, it is awesome when relationships work out and you both love each other and all that junk. But if you have loved and you never even got a "thank you" then it's not worth it.

I am this silly sensitive person that thinks love can save the world. But love is not supposed to hurt this much. I guess I will never know how it really feels like. I'm feeling so sad lately. But I guess in the words of J.D. from Scrubs - whose life is pretty much like mine - “’Cause even if it breaks your heart to be just friends, if you really care about someone, you’ll take the hit.- and I guess that's what I have to do. Be a friend. Because I am so good at that.

People will note the changes, from this giddy and happy girl, to this sad and out of the world person. And even if it is impossible for people to go from happy to sad in one day, that is my personal roller coaster and that's how I do. Because I am so used to being just the friend.

And it's just that I can't be alone any longer, if someone ever notices that in my eyes and cares about it, then please, come save me. I was fighting, but I just feel too tired to be fighting. Every day hurts more and more lately, I don't even know how long it's going to be before I crash. And I will. Because nobody can take so much pain on their own and still smile at the world like if nothing ever happened.

“I don’t think people are meant to be by themselves. That’s why, if you actually find someone you care about it’s important to let go of the little things. Even if you can’t let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone. No matter how many people are around.” – J.D.

The "L" word

Currently listening: Ain't no Reason by Brett Dennen

There's a word that I can never really use, unless in a sarcastic way. It is the L world... love. I have never really meant it. This is a Spanish lesson. In Spanish we have two words for love: Querer and Amar. Saying I love you is Te quiero or Te amo. You can say Te quiero to a friend, but Te amo is probably the phrase I am most scared of. I haven't even said it to my parents, not because I don't feel it, but because the "L" word or in Spanish the "A" word, really freaks me out. It is too strong for me.

I had a boyfriend once. I told him I loved him, but I don't think I really meant it, not the Spanish way at least. I know this makes me look like an insensitive person, but I'm really not. I have a strong will to love someone, to really love, to be able to say and mean the L word. And to feel it in Spanish too. Maybe one day I will. Because I believe that's all I need to feel complete... and to feel I've done everything I could in my life.

And maybe, when I'm able to say I love you, even if I say it in English, but I know that I mean it in Spanish too; and maybe if the someone I tell it to feels the same way, then maybe, maybe that day I'll know that those words are everything I always needed to hear.

There’s no coming back

Currently listening: Cindy by Tammany Hall NYC

I've been thinking a lot lately. Especially about how since I was a very little girl I wanted to be a doctor, and what made me change what I wanted. I still don't know what it was that had me change my mind. I was so sure of it, but I got scared and never applied to get into medicine, and I've had a lot of chances. Why I was so scared, I still can't figure out. And I guess I never will.

I am still looking for a car. My recent option features a blue Jetta, which even if it doesn't get me too excited, a car is a car.

I have come to the realization that I am living a sitcom, just like Scrubs - my favorite show ever, it totally topped The O.C. - and the videos posted below show exactly - as exact as it can get to be - what I mean. And how I feel about my own personal "Elliot", I feel exactly like J.D. I guess the only good thing is that my "Elliot" is not in a relationship.