All I needed was a call

I have realized that everything I want, everything I lay my eyes on, everything my heart longs for, slips away from my hands. I try so hard to prove a point, to show that I am good enough for anything that comes my way, but apparently I have just been fooling myself.

In moments like this, I hate being a Latino. I will keep saying I am from Provo, I will keep shunning Spanish and getting my accent worse and worse every single day. One day, I will feel American. One day, people will believe I am American.

I think I am scared of happiness. I don't want it, because I don't deserve it. But life - or God - I don't even know, keeps playing chess and moving me around like a pawn. But no knight, no bishop, no one seems to be able to get me out of the game. It's like I am being protected to checkmate the King but then I think and I know in my head that the King could destroy me, yet the chess player is preserving me, the weakest of all the pieces. What does He see in me that I don't?

"In the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who’s ever known
Who I am, who I’m not, who I want to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me"