December Boys

At around 12.30am yesterday, or I guess it would be today, someone knocked on my door. I thought it was my sister, and I was close to opening the door. I had a feeling that I should ask who it was, though I never ever do. When I asked, I heard a man's voice, but I couldn't tell who it was. I did not recognize the voice and the knocking increased. I stopped talking and started listening. The voice said something I couldn't comprehend. I got freaked out and ran to the back of the apartment. The knocking was still there. It was creepy. I have no idea who it was, I called my sister to check if maybe she was the one knocking, maybe she had come with a friend, but it was not her. There is no one else in the complex but my sister and me, and some people in the third floor. I really am scared of being alone. I need this stupid break to be over. Now.

On the other hand, I have decided to learn how to play December Boys on the piano. I watched the movie today, named December Boys as well - and it has Daniel Radcliffe in it - and it was good. I liked it. That piano goal is going to take forever though, but I have my sheet music already, so I'm half way there.

Tu me manques déjà...

Feelings are funny. You can't control them. When they happen, they happen. And once you admit they exist, there is no coming back.
I guess I have just had a lot of time to think, a lot of time alone in my empty apartment watching Desperate Housewives and wishing Mike and Susan's story was mine.
When you have a lot of time in your hands, it is difficult not to let your mind drift away, and go to forbidden places, places where it is not supposed to wander off.

Tu me manques. Je m'ennuie de ton sourire et de l'son de ton voix. J'ai besoin de toi ici. Je t'veux ici. J'espère que tu t'ennuies de moi autant que je m'ennuie de toi. Où est-ce que tu es? Revenu s'il te plaît.

I don't think I can keep my promise much longer.

I can be touched by Christmas too

Merry Christmas! It has been an uneventful Christmas for me. I must accept I have missed my family, but that is not what Christmas is all about. Christmas is about Jesus Christ and about how he came to this world to die for us. That baby who was born in Bethlehem is what everybody should think about during Christmas. People give and receive presents, and I never understood why, it is Jesus' birthday, so we should give him something. I have prepared my gifts to him this year.

1. Prayer. I have stopped that habit and I need to get it back.
2. Scripture Study. I suck at this one. Always have. But if I can read a verse a day for starters, I think that will help.

I think if I can make a habit of those two important things, God will be happy with me.
I hope everyone has had a blast this holiday season and I trust everybody's been happy with their families. Me, I have been okay, I am missing people, but that should go away, if not for today. At least I am happy. Bored, but happy. And that is better than nothing.

Happy Christmas!

2 hours

Currently Listening: Way Back Into Love by Hugh Grant and Haley Bennett

Today is a good day. Really good actually. I worked 10 hours as well but it wasn't as busy as yesterday. So I was in a good mood, all day... and better after I was done working. I think everything in my world is pink right now. What can I say? The Christmas spirit is kind of getting me.

I think I have a new favorite supervisor, John Barrus, I have been bugging him this week a lot because he is the only one I feel confident enough to bother, and his name is easy to say. Spencer is cool too, so I think I will throw him in there too. Apart from them, I am being very antisocial at work, I don't want to talk to anybody. I guess the real me is coming out. Meh, people should remember how I was when I first got hired.

I have plans for tomorrow night. Ixchel invited me and my sister to spend Christmas Eve with her and her family. That will be fun for me. I have to go make a cake for tomorrow, you never show empty handed, ever.

I am happy right now. Very very happy.

All I needed was a call

I have realized that everything I want, everything I lay my eyes on, everything my heart longs for, slips away from my hands. I try so hard to prove a point, to show that I am good enough for anything that comes my way, but apparently I have just been fooling myself.

In moments like this, I hate being a Latino. I will keep saying I am from Provo, I will keep shunning Spanish and getting my accent worse and worse every single day. One day, I will feel American. One day, people will believe I am American.

I think I am scared of happiness. I don't want it, because I don't deserve it. But life - or God - I don't even know, keeps playing chess and moving me around like a pawn. But no knight, no bishop, no one seems to be able to get me out of the game. It's like I am being protected to checkmate the King but then I think and I know in my head that the King could destroy me, yet the chess player is preserving me, the weakest of all the pieces. What does He see in me that I don't?

"In the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who’s ever known
Who I am, who I’m not, who I want to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me"

What about today

Currently listening: What About Now by Daughtry

The longest two weeks of my life have officially started. Everybody is gone by now. It's just me in the apartment. It has never felt so quiet. It is kind of depressing. My friend Stefani left today, I went to the airport to say goodbye to her at 3 in the morning. I hate saying goodbye, but it is better than not saying anything at all. She will be back three weeks from now. Danielle left today too. And it is just me here. My sister is hanging out with a friend and I am here, all alone. If there is a time in which I feel loneliness more than any other time, then it is now.

I don't know what to do. I am bored and time goes by very slowly for me. My mind is not even here, I tried to write but as soon as I started, my mind drifted away and got lost. And I know where it goes. And I just can't get myself to bring it back from there, because that's where it is happy. That's where it doesn't feel so alone. And then it goes back to all of them, it pictures them, it wants them, it needs them, but they are just past memories, which will keep me from insanity the next two weeks.

Sometimes I just want to leave. Go somewhere and never come back. Leave everything behind. And I don't know why, but I know there is somewhere I need to go, something I need to do, I just don't know what it is yet.

I don't hate Christmas. I don't think I ever will. But I am not too festive. When I left my family in Peru, that's when I stopped celebrating everything and anything that involves families. It brings back too many memories. Too many feelings that I have shunned. I can't afford thinking about them. It would hurt. Too much.

I keep listening to the same song over and over again and it just makes me think of you. I am ridiculous. It has not even been that long, but I miss you.

I think I will go for a walk.

Who I am, who I’m not, who I want to be

Currently listening: You Found Me by The Fray

I am DONE! I finished taking my last final today and I am very well pleased with myself. I had never finished taking my finals so early, but I think I will make a habit of it - as long as my finals are not scheduled - because this feeling of relief is the best feeling ever.

I'm not up to date. I haven't blogged for a week. So, what can I say about that week... it was pretty amazing. I've been smiling every day, I haven't felt sad at all and I didn't know that was even possible, but it is! I wish I could blog about it, but I can't. All this happiness is bottled up in my personal journal, to which nobody has access to.

I guess happiness is possible after all. I want to be this happy forever.

Quick Update

I was not going to blog this week because I am following a very detailed study plan I have come up with to do well on all of my finals, but I couldn't miss the opportunity to give myself a shout out. It was my highlight of the day. So click here and read thorough.

And since I am posting links, make sure you check my ISys HTML project, it is by far the best project ever (it is NOT goth, that goes to Nate), and who knows, you might find your name there.

Now back to studying.

Is this death really you?

Currently listening: Something Vague by Bright Eyes

Some words are only meant to be thought but not spoken. Some words you think you were better off without ever having heard them. Some words, after being said stay in your mind and never leave. Then you can picture the situation in which those words were said, and it is like it happens over and over again. There is no chance to forget. There is no chance to break free. And those words will come back every time, and they will make you wish things were different. They will make you wish you could turn back time. And if you could, then you know you would. And then those words cut deep in your skin and leave a scar you will never be able to heal. And it is there, and then you remember what you said, and wish you could take it back.

There, she said. Wasn't that being done already? Couldn't she keep her mouth shut for once? She had to go on. She had to complain. She had to whine. She had to effing claim. She had to let him know what she was thinking. And all was lost. I am, he said. But that wasn't enough for her and she had brought her own bad luck, she would now rot. - When it all comes down, chapter 'I'll figure out the number when I actually write it'

And now I die, and the death was really you. And I dream, every night, and then the dream becomes a nightmare and sometimes the perfect dream. And then I am confused, and I want to know if those dreams have any meaning. But they don't. They are just ridiculous pieces of my imagination that will never be more than just an alternate world in which I get to be happy only for as long as I am asleep. Maybe it is me. Maybe the 'something wrong' I am looking for in everything I do is not everyone else. It is me. And I get to that coffin I call my apartment. And I sink in my chair and brush the snow off my hair. And I have that dream in my head that just won't go away. And I know it is not a ghost, just something vague that we are not seeing.

From the Sidelines

Currently listening: Gold Mine Gutted by Bright Eyes

If you have ever stayed in the library until midnight, you know how they say that if you stay until midnight you will be accused of trespassing and you will be subject to criminal prosecution and crap. My friend and I were there the other day and we were leaving, we crossed the sensor thingies and the guard said "Wait, show me your BYU ID" and I was like "What?" and he said "I need your ID. You're trespassing now." I was honestly shocked. Trespassing? We were almost out of there. Four other kids came out after we did. I was so annoyed I wanted to cry. They made us fill out some cards with our ID numbers and they called the police department to report us, the trespassing incident will stay in our student records. I can honestly say I have experienced something I never thought I would experience. I mean, what the heck? The guard said it was just a warning for us not to repeat the incident. O trust me, it won't happen again.

I really cannot believe what a hypocrite I am. Pretending all the time. Even with myself. And when I find myself submerged in my thoughts, it is then that I know who I really am and what I really think. And it's one word. And then it's gone. And then I cry. Deeply. And then I have to get up. And try again. And cry again. The infinite loop.